The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski’s. She replied, “Close, but no cigar.”

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica’s dress: “Presidue.”

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned, “Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!”

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said “I do. Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy says to him, “Nothin’ much, I just wanted you to know….you left your Injun running.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Preacher,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Preacher, what is this?”

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,”Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?”

Mute #1 (SIGN) “What would you like to do?”

Mute #2 (SIGN) “I don’t know, what about you?”

Mute #1 (SIGN) “Let’s get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun.”

Mute #2 (SIGN) “Good idea.”

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder…

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) “What?”

Back Seat Mute (SIGN) “Have you got any protection?”

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) “No. Don’t you?”

Back Seat Mute (SIGN) “No. We had better go to a drug store and get some.”

They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) “What?”

Outside Mute (SIGN) “I’ve got a problem.”

Inside Mute (SIGN) “What?”

Outside Mute (SIGN) “I can’t make the druggist understand what I want.”

Inside Mute (SIGN) “I know What to do.”

Outside Mute (SIGN) “What?”

Inside Mute (SIGN) “Go back inside. Put five dollars on the

counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He’ll know what you want.”

Outside Mute (SIGN) “Good idea.”

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he’s back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) “Well?”

Outside Mute (SIGN) “It didn’t work.”

Inside Mute (SIGN) “What do you mean?”

Outside Mute (SIGN) “I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars.”

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”

“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

- You wake up face down on the pavement.

- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

- You see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.

- The woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

- Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

- You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.

- Your doctor tells you, “Well, I have bad news and good news…”

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”